Face it. Advertising pros and copywriters need an image makeover.

Public “trustworthiness” surveys suggest we rank somewhere below toxic waste, and guess what — the killer in the last Bruce Willis movie was an advertising executive.

Even in Hollywood which is not exactly awash in Ghandi-class human beings, writers are considered only the first drafts of people.

We’re talking Snake Pit City here. Bottom of the barrel.

Simply put, as a group, our image needs the jaws of life help. And we need it fast — before our own parents stop returning our phone calls.

The solution? nothing changes public perception faster than an amateur sex video on the Internet Hollywood blockbuster (witness all the product placement deals).

So without wasting any more time, I give you the Three Movie Ideas Guaranteed to Make Millions — and forever improve the image of copywriters and advertising professionals.

No need to thank me. Not yet.

The Copy Matrix

In this special-effects blockbuster, our handsome copywriter (I’m available, BTW) discovers our world is wholly virtual, and that the “real” world is run by a horde of smart vending machines bent on total domination of several key market segments of the universe.

Our hero (I’m still available) tests multiple copy approaches, eventually hitting on a combination of headline and lead paragraph so powerful, the machines find themselves trapped in a circular sales process, shuffled endlessly from sales letter to landing page to delayed fulfillment to landing page again.

Hooray! Our writer (I’ve got an agent) saves humanity, seriously engages with a babe (Angelina Jolie is available), lives happily ever after, and boosts the image of copywriters everywhere. Cigarette, anyone?

Lord of the Verbs (trilogy)

A small band of copywriters set out on a quest to reclaim the Golden Head — a Google AdWords headline so powerful it causes people to spontaneously hand over their credit card information. Naturally, the bad guys are also pursuing the Head, the evil group comprised of phishers, Craigslist scammers and Nigerian royalty with accounting problems.

Our hearty band’s only weapons are a leather bound volume of active verbs, a dying home page, a 257-pound white paper, a small cache of pointy serif fonts, and a Golden Pencil.

Much bloodshed and adventure ensues. You already know how it ends (see above).

Top Pun

One morning the country awakes to a wave of terrible “punny” ad headlines written by terrorists posing as agency creative teams — and only Top Gun’s Maverick can save us.

In this thrilling sequel to Top Gun — the unbelievably dumb collection of clichés, macho posturing and wildly unbelievable characters that made millions — we see an older, washed-up Maverick take one more stab at personal redemption.

Seizing on the the crisis, he rampages his way onto a US Navy carrier, steals an F-14 and attacks Madison Avenue, driving out the incompetent, headline swiping, grammatically incorrect terrorist hacks hiding there.

Sure, it’s a pretty dumb concept, but it’s no dumber than the formulaic Top Gun or Days of Thunder, and besides, I see opportunities for killer trailer material (after strafing Madison Avenue, Maverick performs a victory roll over the Victoria’s Secret fashion show — sex sells, baby).

Your Turn

Of course, I’m just spitballing along the surface here, but any one of these rather brilliant concepts should score me a percentage of the gross and a big, big trailer on the lot.

Of course, I’m willing to steal any of your ideas and pitch them as my own (I’m a copywriter after all). So what’s your concept? Mystery? Romantic Comedy? Western?

The Underground is yours.

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