Unfortunately, the Undead stagger carefully around the Copywriter Underground/Soiled Diaper World Headquarters these days, what with the Still Uncompleted Construction Project turning every available space into a deadly obstacle course (if it’s one thing zombies don’t do well, it’s hurdle).

In fact, I’m designating this Day 40 of the Underground Home Hostage Crisis – an acknowledgement that an extremist contractor splinter group has apparently seized control of our house, demanding bags of money or they’ll start killing rooms.

They’ve done enough damage to convince us they really mean it.

Still, these aren’t your average Working-Class Extremists – they apparently prefer to terrorize lazily from a distance. At least that’s the conclusion you’d have to draw since we haven’t actually seen a cell member all week long.

My wife is reacting to all this with the kind of grace you’d expect from an Ivy League educated brainiac new-mom type, which is to say she’s threatening to go all Chuck Norris on the contractors for not finishing the project when they first promised – five weeks ago and “for sure” before we returned from our trip to Ethiopia.

In fact, when calling the lead contractor, she casually mentioned that “Nothing says ‘Welcome to your new home’ to a baby like the severed heads of contractors mounted above the front door.”

(Moral of Story: Don’t Mess with a New Mommie)

(Truth in Copy Disclosure: She didn’t actually say “severed” but drama demanded I add it. Sorry.)

So to summarize:

• Me = The Undead
• House = Hostage Site/Nuclear Blast Zone
• Spouse = Chuck Norris Would Be Proud
• Little M (new baby) = Burbling happily away in the corner
• Spare Time = None

The New Writing Life

I’m working feverishly on a big Web site project, and while I’m happy for the work, sizable changes lie before me.

My regular work routine – honed over two decades of mucking around in this business – is now mostly a fantasy, and the accommodations are flying thick and fast.

You write when you can, and look carefully at the things you formerly had time for, but now seem less important.

Keep writing (and avoid zombies whenever possible), Tom Chandler

See you (other zombies) on the River, Tom Chandler.

Either way, kudos to Scott Baradell (though we’re thinking “gossip” is wholly underrepresented).

Now – with newspapers struggling – Google’s noticing that the source of much of their salable content may disappear. And even Google knows that’s bad.

That’s why Google’s offering up a paid-content vision for newspapers – one that sounds eerily like… the current business model for the online porn industry (via the SiliconValley.com site, bulleted for simpler reading:)

“Our vision of a premium content ecosystem,” the company [ed: Google] said, “includes the following features:

• Single sign-on capability for users to access content and manage subscriptions;
• Ability for publishers to combine subscriptions from different titles together for one price
• Ability for publishers to create multiple payment options and easily include/exclude content behind a paywall
• Multiple tiers of access to search including 1) snippets only with ’subscription’ label, 2) access to preview pages and 3) ‘first click free’ access
• Advertising systems that offer highly relevant ads for users, such as interest-based advertising.

Is this the porn industry model? Tell you what – you visit a few of those sites, and let me know.

For now – and from this safe, virus-free distance – I’m suggesting Google’s suggestions align very closely to the online porn biz model.

In the past, I’ve joked that those interested in seeing the future of “legitimate” ecommerce on the Internet need look no farther then the porn industry.

(I’ve also said you’re “never more than one mistaken click away from porn on the Internet,” and it turns out both are true.)

That Google’s vision so completely aligns with what I’m going to call The Online Porn Model For Fun & Profit (Porn 3.0?) should raise a few eyebrows.

Are porn purveyors truly the visionaries the newspaper industry needs to embrace, or is somebody at Google simply spending too much time surfing where they shouldn’t?

As always, the Underground disavows all knowledge of online pornography except those parts which could prove useful to his customers.

Just saying is all.

Keep writing, Tom Chandler.

You can read the whole article via Google to newspapers: Let us be your broker before you go broke | Good Morning Silicon Valley.

I’m the kind of guy who would tell you I know my Gouda from my Goudy, but apparently not nearly as well as I thought.

And if you haven’t had enough font frivolity, don’t miss College Humor’s Font Fight video.

And yes, it appears that oDesk actually visited the blogs in question instead of simply crafting another linkbait list. Kudos for that.

I’m touched. And while I’m tempted to gush like Sally Fields gushed in her 1985 Oscar speech, decorum remains a critical component of the Underground’s universe.

So I won’t.

I did find a handful of smaller writer’s blog I hadn’t read until now – a happy underline to any Monday morning.

Simply put, oDesk’s Top 40 list is worth a look.

UPDATE: For those visiting this site for the first time, consider visiting my most-popular, best-received posts from my 3+ years here.

(tip of the hat to American Copywriter for this gem)

This spoof video is funny, but in a painful way; I participated in a few new client pitches that – in terms of dignity and professionalism – didn’t exceed this level by all that much…

It’s Monday, and we’ve got a long week ahead of us. Enjoy!

Amusing factoid: The graphic designer in the spoof video is in fact a dentist.

Inevitably, the arc of the communication is predictable; it always ends at a place where the site gets the content, and the writer gets screwed.

What’s remarkable is how many people tumble for this scam – where they work for free, so others can monetize their content.

Somebody’s Lost Their Marbles

This particular pitch came from a new sporting site called MarblePlay.com. Launching sometime this fall, the site’s feature list was impressive. The pitch aggressive. And the flattery apparent.

But there was no mention of compensation.

In today’s “content’s free, no matter what the cost to the creator” environment, that’s a bad sign.

I have little interest in building wealth for others, but yes, I wondered where this gig fell on the Ripoff Richter Scale.

The editor forwarded the “Contributor’s Agreement.”

I read it. And then gave it a 10.2. (In terms of its rapaciousness, it moved heaven and earth).

First, compensation ranged from zero to… nothing. So what does our lucky writer get? Why, the chance to self-promote himself.

What does the lucky MarblePlay.com network get in return?

Amazingly, this was a “work for hire” agreement – the magic phrase that means you transfer all rights to the work you contribute to the site.

Simply put, they’d own your words, and you’d own… nothing. (Helpful hint – always looks for the words “work for hire” in anything you sign, and recognize what they mean.)

Astonishingly, it gets worse.

You Won’t Compete… For Free?!

Because simply giving the work away wasn’t quite enough, MarblePlay ushered in the concepts of regular deadlines and (wait for it)… a non-compete clause.

Which means I couldn’t work (for free or otherwise) for any competing sites.

Over the course of my entire career, I’ve signed exactly three non-compete clauses – and all in return for a sizable payout.

For free? Limit your right to work elsewhere, and do it for free?! (Imagine writing a book’s worth of content for this site – and then realizing you can’t publish that book because you didn’t own the words.)

A dozen comparisons leap to mind (most include lubricants). In truth, this agreement is so abusive, I’m not even sure it’s legal – a court would have to find that the “opportunity” to self promote rose to the level of real consideration.

Regardless, MarblePlay isn’t the only network doing this.

And the target clearly isn’t professional writers as much as amateurs willing to be seduced by a few kind words (and the writer’s equivalent of a crust of bread).

Still, this kind of thing is on the rise, not the decline, which suggests somebody is falling for it.

It’s one thing to write for free because you want your words to be seen.

It’s quite another to give that work away – along with the right to publish where you want – all in the interest of fattening someone else’s bank account.

Moral of the story?

• Ask up front what’s in it for you.
• Don’t sign any “work for hire” agreements unless you’re being compensated (my copywriting clients typically gain full rights to my copy, but they pay for that right)
• If you sign a non-compete, you deserve to be compensated for your potential loss of income. Or just don’t sign.
• Don’t work for free, especially when someone else stands to benefit

Keep writing, Tom Chandler.

(Found via Jalopnik, where you can see the “before” to go with the “after” above)

Sure, Harlan Ellison is an abrasive pain in the ass, but he’s repeatedly put his money where his sizable mouth is when it came to protecting the rights of writers and content creators.

In a time when the concept of “paying creators for content” is conspicuously absent from most Internet business plans, this video’s worth another visit:

Tell ‘em Harlan.

Next time you’re about give away your work, remember: Pay the Damned Writer.