I admit it. I’m a screwup.
At least that’s what my close, personal friends at Washington Mutual bank were quick to tell me every time I made a mistake with my WaMu checking account.
Yeah, a pair of times I didn’t transfer money into that account quickly enough, or – heaven forgive me – there was that time I transferred money out instead of in (yes, I did that).
When I did those things, I’d get a note. It didn’t say “You screwed up, you brainless squid, and we’re charging you $75 for the privilege.”
But it might as well have. And the fees charged were certainly real.
One morning not so long ago, I woke up to learn Washington Mutual had been seized by the Federal Government, then sold to JPMorgan Chase, WaMu rendered insolvent by a series of really, really bad decisions.
The sort of decisions, frankly, you’d make if you were a brainless squid.
The default didn’t affect me all that much, and I rarely keep much money in that account, but then, how much did it really affect WaMu when I overdrew that checking account by $1.18 (yes)?
Still, in keeping with the spirit of the relationship established early on by my friends at WaMu, I’m mailing you a letter outlining the harm suffered the morning I discovered you’d screwed up.
It also explains the $75 “Insolvency Fee” I’m charging you (just deposit it directly into my account, thank you).
I’m sorry it had to come this (and naturally, don’t expect a “thank you” after the deposit’s been made), but this is apparently the kind of thing that happens when you make brainless-squid-level decisions.
At least that’s been my experience.
I do hope that after I’ve charged you an outlandish and arbitrary fee that we can still be friends.
Sincerely,
Tom Chandler